A Story From Not-so-distant Past

I remember when we first studied the Dhammapada, arguably the most famous and influential Buddhist scripture, in my freshmen year of college. Impermanence–a central tenet of the Buddhist doctrine–was one which deeply resonated with me, striking all the right chords, and hitting in all the right places. It helped that Islam also contends with impermanence in a visceral manner. One day, our professor was relating the subject of impermanence and change to practical situations like marriage. He highlighted the typical example of how, after being together for some years (if not weeks), one party often says to the other: “You changed,” or “I don’t know who you are anymore,” which subsequently becomes a major point of contention in these relationships, if not the nail in the coffin. I remember vividly as he faced us sitting in his chair, only to ask–”So, what’s the solution?” The room came to standstill (though it never could move, lol). Feeling intrepid, I suppressed the burning and suffocating sensation in my chest that builds up whenever I mean to answer a question, and in a feigned flippant manner remarked: “just expect them to change, bruh” Not even a second later, before I could even begin to panic about my response (as usual), our professor enthusiastically exclaimed: “exactly!” Shock, relief, glee–all the feelings which ran through me at once. I felt great, the class chuckled, and the ‘doomy gloomy’ atmosphere abated.

Recognizing Change in Ourselves

Mike Newbry | Unsplash

As time passed, everything changed. But I thought that I would never change in this vast world.

– Unknown

It is easy to recognize the changes occurring outward of ourselves. By casting our gaze on nature, we can witness a tiny seed seemingly transmogrify into a towering oak, we can witness an innocent cub shocking us as a ferocious lion, and we can witness an unassuming green stalk bloom into a flower of breathtaking beauty and aroma, only to soon wither and return to the ground from which it sprouted from. These changes are easy to see, granted we are blessed with vision. But–what of the changes that occur within us? These are the most important, yet too often the most overlooked.

Critical self-reflection is an unpleasant, if not painful experience. But it is supremely important. Self-reflection is the vehicle toward temperance, mastery of self, and compassion. The more we are aware of our humanity–our pains and, sorrows; fears and joys; great thoughts and unsavory tendencies–the more we become tolerant of others around us who are also suffering the same condition as us, and the more we gain an unfiltered view of reality.

“Like them, you often do wrong yourself. Even if you refrain from doing certain types of wrong, your character is still bent that way…”

Marcus Aurelius | The Emperor’s Handbook

By knowing ourselves, we gain the ability to control ourselves–how we think, how we react, and ultimately what we do. By knowing ourselves, we can control how we affect and are affected by the world around us.

So, Expect Them to Change; You Will Too

Thus, we need to stop being shameless hypocrites. What do I mean? In a nutshell, shameless hypocrites, in addition to not doing as they say, act and speak as though they do no wrong. There are, naturally, levels to this charge, but I won’t get into that now. While ignoring our own, we, humans, are really good at calling out the flaws or changes within others. Ironically, we seem to relish doing this not to strangers, but to those who we quote-unquote love. We need to look in the mirror, turn on the introspecting lights within us, and stop demanding the impossible–if not unnatural–from those we love, and beyond. This is what my Professor wanted to get across, and is perhaps a great key to a lasting relationship, regardless of type.

So next time, before you level the great accusation of “You changed” on anyone, especially someone close to you, examine yourself first. See if you are also completely still the person they knew in the past. If you are? Congratulations, you’re not human; You might want to look into interspecies relations.